Michael was lucky he was good looking. At least that was what the girls said. Not all at once of course, like some strange choir. One at a time, overtime, time and time again.

 

Michael couldn’t fool them or anyone else,not even for a night. He had no manner of personality whatsoever. This was not for lack of trying, he played through his rehearsed lines prior to a night out, a day at work, even for a walk to the shops for those unexpected run ins. Nothing sinister, it was just very, very necessary.

 

Michael made it all the way from bed to that grim grey side door, that portal to that dimension where people strangely forgot you were a real person, retail. “Morning sunshine.” Sarah would say peachy as ever as she let Michael in.

“Morning!” Avoiding saying her name in case it had somehow changed since last Friday. That was easy, Michael mulled over in his head quickly preparing for the next onslaught.

“How was your weekend?” What to say? I don’t know, it was kind of shit but I can’t say that, that’d drag down the mood.

“Good... alright like.” Okay, what comes next?

“What’d you get up to?” Crap, I was meant to ask how her weekend was, now I’m stuck.

“Had a few drinks… you?” Phew, back on track.

Sarah would, like most people, have a lot more to say than Michael. How she, and most other people, managed to make the most mundane events sound interesting was an art lost on Michael so he was resigned to listen and not take part, sweating metaphorical bullets from the one sided exchange. It ended and Michael walked on to the floor to face the start of the week.

 

On the front lines of the retail dimension, wave after wave of customers, not to be mistaken with people, swarmed the floor looking for something to spend their money on. Nearly fighting over sales staff during the busy periods. No problem, Michael was the master here and talking about electronics specs was easy. Every so often a customer would meander about the news, sports or something equally mundane. No matter, they always followed the same unnatural, inorganic pattern that a few stock phrases could get through.

On the occasion an older woman might pinch his cheek, a sign of endearment for his assistance or worse...  ask if he would meet their daughters or granddaughters. Then there would be awkward slagging from his colleagues. Apparently no one had ever had their cheeks pinched by a customer before but somehow Michael managed to get at least one a week and it was never the same customer twice. Michael just had a face people wanted to pinch apparently.

He took it in his stride, at least people were happy to have talked to him, even if he was anxiously clinging to his well rehearsed scripts. Though he knew they wouldn’t appreciate it if they knew that’s how he processed everything, especially the, all to frequent, agro customers.

 

Halfway through the week without any major hiccups. Michael walked along a thin path down an old country road, the path Michael would have to walk to pick up his messages if he had been too lazy to do a full shop earlier in the week, Michael was too lazy most weeks.

A familiar face caught his eye. Some guy about his age, a little hefty looking. He looked at Michael as they approached each other on the thin strip of path.

Ahh crap! I know him from somewhere... I think. Shit, what do I say? The gap closes quickly, the hefty familiar raises his hand to wave, Michael mimics him.

“Hey Michael, long time no see.” He knows my name, oh Jesus I’m freaking awful. Crap I should say something quick!

“Hey.” Why didn’t I say Hey Man? He could be a she for all I know! I don’t know who I’m talking to! He’s clearly a he!

“What’ve you been up to?” That timeless question, okay deep breath.

“Not much, nearly finished college so… woo.. I guess.” Smooth.

“Aw congrats man, that’s great! What did you study?” Okay, we must not have seen each other in a really long time, feeling better about not knowing your name now.

“Accountancy. What about yourself?” Please let this end soon!

“Had to drop out… cancer.” Aww shit.

“Aww man, that’s shit.” Wait, don’t people lose weight when they get cancer? Did I really just think that? I’m going to hell!

“Yeah… but everything's back on track now. Gave me a whole new outlook on life.” Please don’t tell me about it.

 

An hour later and Michael still doesn’t know his estranged, cancer surviving, friend’s name. It was a conversation that some would find sad, others uplifting or inspirational. Michael could not appreciate any of it, all of his attention was focused on what was most appropriate to say next.

“See ya Michael, add me on facebook okay, keep in touch.” It’s finally over… who uses facebook anymore?

“See ya.”

 

Awful music, overpriced drinks and crowds of people, standard Friday night. Michael was as far out of his element as could be here. His friends had splintered between the dance floor and the bar. Easy enough choice, dancing. People can’t really talk on the dance floor. The night would pass quickly but Michael would stick close with his dancing friends. The conversation never extending beyond the rare comment on a song or getting another round. Those less inclined to dance huddled around tables so they could hear each other speak. Catching up? How can they talk for so long? What are they even talking about? Michael was not interested in getting involved after the slaggings he got last time for a stupid toast he was forced to make. How do you manage to do a toast wrong?

 

The end of the night, last dance, last chance.

Not a problem, Michael had been dancing all night and had spotted someone who had been checking him out. The end of the night was the best time to make a move anyway, it meant less talking, less chance of exposing himself for the bore he was.

 

The two moved closer together, Micharl was right, she was clearly into him, it didn’t matter that they both danced like cats in roller blades. There would be no words, just way too much saliva until it was closing time.

The night drew to a close and everyone readied to leave. “Mike, you coming with us?” someone called as they left for the door. Sure, oh wait. My new lady friend… Michael turned to his new companion who was stuck with two of her friends talking to her. Great, interrupting people. That always goes well.

“Emm…” Should I cough? She’s clearly enjoying her chat. I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten about me. Crap, the guys need to know if I’m going with them or not?

“Hey so… you.” Talk louder you idiot. No just leave, everyone is waiting on you.

“What’s he doing?” one of Michael's friends asked, standing with the group waiting to head to the bus.

“He’s hooking up with that girl.”

“Cool, leave him then. Let’s head off so.”

“Hold on a second.”

I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing… screw it. Michael turned back to his group. Should I say bye? I don’t know, too late you’ve already turned around just keep going.

Not a moment passes and a hand wraps around Michael’s wrist. “Sorry, we’re all going to Australia tomorrow, they’re just so excited!” Australia, remember that, talk about kangaroos or something… not spiders. What am I doing again?

“Cool! So what are you doing tonight?” She’s leaning in, is it a kiss? No she’s whispering.

“Well I’m getting picked up from my place in the morning so want to come back to my place?” Great, so my friends can run for the bus then?

“Thanks for the night out guys. Talk to you tomorrow.” Why do I always feel so shitty bailing on my friends? They’re cheering for god’s sake! And now they’re running for the last bus.

 

A short taxi ride and Michael found himself in the middle of the unfamiliar. The houses are nice, I probably won’t be mugged on the way home.

“Want a beer?” No.

“Sure.” Damn!

A few moments pass in silence as caps pop and drinks are guzzled. It’s too quiet, say something about Kangaroos.

“You don’t talk much.” Damn! It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s that I don’t want to talk.

“Sorry, off in a daydream.” Now she’s going to ask what about.

“What about?” Don’t say Kangaroo’s!

“You of course.” That didn’t sound charming at all...  phew she’s smiling!

“I’m right here, you don’t have to dream about it yet.”

 

Sex, it’s a great adventure where words are optional. An experience that is shared between people, where body language and rhythm tell all. Unfortunately, Michael would not stop thinking through the entire ordeal despite having done it more times than he could count. How do I know if this feels good? Don’t ask, she’d say right? She looks like she’s enjoying herself.

“Hey.” Oh crap she’s talking, did I do something wrong?

“Are you done yet? It’s not a marathon you know?” Oh, right. Okay.

“You okay down there?” What kind of a question is that?! She’s still smiling, okay that’s something.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Oh crap, I’m not sure if I can now....

“Alright.” Damn, I’m not going to… damn damn… How the hell can this happen when I’m on top of a beautiful naked… wait… okay…

 

A few two syllable words later and Michael is lying wrapped around his lady friend and for once instigates the conversation.

 

“Have a good night?” Please say yes.

“Let’s just say you're lucky you're good looking.”